Oh how the mighty have fallen. All my friends know I am a Trekkie and have always liked it more than Star Wars. I remember being in high school and being completely mollified and ridiculed that I liked Trek since Star Wars was just so inherently cool. Now, I’m not someone who will gloat. What people never seemed to understand was that I just liked Trek better. That does not mean I hated Star Wars. In fact, the original trilogy is not only some of the greatest science fiction movies ever committed to film but rather some of the best films period. Okay, I lied, Episode 6 (aka Return of the Jedi) was not very good but the first two were breathtaking forms of entertainment that to this day still resonate. Why? Precisely because we actually gave a damn what happened to these colourful bunch of characters. Sure, some of their names were a bit odd, but Star Wars and Empire Strikes Back presented wholly sympathetic heroes who all had internal issues to overcome. And overcome them they did while a galactic uprising was occurring with stupendous action sequences and effects never before seen on the silver screen.

So, believe me when I say I don’t take any pleasure in proclaiming that Star Wars as a franchise has hit a previously unfathomable new low which is saying a lot since the new trilogy prequels were less than desirable.

At first glance there is nothing wrong in theory of basing a movie and a subsequent TV series on the Clone Wars. In fact, every Star Wars fan has at sometime wondered just what exactly occurred during this time period. This shows exactly the innate power of the Star Wars franchise that made what basically was an obscure line from Episode 4 A New Hope said by Obi-Wan into this mythical part of lore. Fans will undoubtedly know what I am referring to during the scene where young Luke is talking to “General” Kenobi and Obi-wan flippantly announces that he had fought during the clone wars. This single line has sparked incredible debate amongst Star Wars aficionados.

A war, by any definition, is a ripe narrative hunting ground in which to mine many possible stories which makes the Clone Wars seem like a good era to base a new movie around. That is, until you realize what the inherent problem is in terms of the franchise – you know who can or can’t die. Yes, it might seem like no big deal but in fact, it really acts like a lead weight holding the film down as no matter the stakes involved you already know the ending. This places incredible focus on the new characters introduced as, by default, they are the only ones the screenwriters would be capable of killing.

The Clone Wars takes place firmly in the period between Attack of the Clones and Revenge of the Sith. Count Dooku’s separatists and the Republic forces are right smack in the middle of the war as things open and events continue to escalate. Dooku conceives of a plan to kidnap Jabba the Hutt’s baby son and then place the blame squarely on the Jedi Knights in order to sway Jabba into joining the Separatists.

Let’s pony up right away here. This is a film made for an intended audience of kids. This also obviously applies to the TV show. If you are an adult who grew up with the original trilogy and have harped incessantly about George Lucas messing things up royally with the prequel trilogy you should stop reading this right away and go watch Star Trek. There’s nothing here that is going to convince you that George has suddenly had a change of heart and decided to appeal to you. Lucas has stated that he’s going for a younger audience and that mentality hasn’t changed since the prequels except, in this case, it really is geared for and even younger audience.

Take all the childish moments that you felt ruined the prequels and times them by ten and you get the level of humour and dramatic tension in this film. Now, kids might eat this up, but having trade federation droids appear like morons and become the butt of all jokes runs contrary to their military design. Just who designs robots to forget simple numbers? Even though a full blown war is going on everyone on both sides has a strategic plan penned by Ed Wood. Armies clash head on making things feel like a mad dash to get to the other side of an imaginary board while our heroes think they are brilliant because they are the only ones capable of flanking their enemies. Even those plucky Spartans in the 300 knew enough to create a bottleneck. Generals of these huge armies have no plan but frontal assaults and are even tricked into drinking a cup of tea during a heated battle. I guess all the famed strategists were on holiday or not offered enough credits to show up.

Add in a buddy movie feel except between two juveniles who constantly bicker and you get a movie that feels like it belongs on Saturday afternoon right after Spongebob Squarepants. Most of this annoying bickering stems from Ahsoka Tano, the perky Togruta padawan who is newly assigned to Anakin Skywalker. Anakin himself was never a paragon of logic, letting his emotions rule the day right to the bitter end of his fall to the dark side. By introducing another character who is similar to him you can see the wheels turning in the screenwriter’s mind. This is not so bad if you intend to believe that teaching a young padawan will inevitably change Anakin into a more responsible adult. However, remember what I said earlier, you already know how it all ends so this relationship is mooted already as by definition we know it won’t work. This is a shame since it is not a bad idea trying to tame Anakin’s demons by forcing him to look after a jedi in training but what is the point in showing Anakin learning from his mistakes if we already know he discards it all in the end?

Ahsoka starts out as a whiny grating girl and basically ends the movie as she began but I didn’t mind too much as it is actually refreshing to see a female character given this much screen time. Not only that but she’s already quite competent with her force powers making her whining just a bit easier to take. What is odd is that she is more often than not right while pointing out Anakin’s mistakes of judgement. There’s no problem with apprentices sometimes being correct but it just reinforces what we already know happens to Anakin and his faulty reasoning. Just what exactly did Qui-Gon see in this kid? On a side note Ahsoka calls Anakin, “Sky Guy,” and he reciprocates by naming her “Snips.” She also has nicknames for Jabba’s son, (Stinky) and R2D2 (Artooie). Somewhere, a Ewok is crying.

Although this is geared towards children it also makes you wonder just what exactly is going to happen to Ahsoka as well since we don’t see her in Revenge of the Sith. It might make children unhappy but I can easily see how the council’s plan to make Anakin more responsible with Ahsoka can backfire if something happens to her. Then again, would the film makers of a kid’s show go that far? We’ll have to see the series for that answer.

That brings us to a prescient revelation regarding this whole endeavour that the concept is not so bad when taken in 22 minute chunks of television but as a feature film it just plain fails to engage. Pacing is wholly thrown out of whack as it feels like three or four TV episodes shoehorned together to form a tenuous plot. You can almost break down each individual episode as they go by making the whole endeavour extremely disjointed. The movie also makes the mistake of upping the action to stratospheric lengths giving us too many similar sequences. Watching a lightsaber duel in the original Star Wars between Darth Vader and Obi-Wan, or in Empire Strikes Back between father and son became a thrilling experience because the film built up tension till that occurred. These were fights between titans. Now, in the Clone Wars we get duels every ten minutes and the film betrays its childish bent by none of them resulting in emotional loss. Villains keep losing and manage to scurry away making you wonder why the good guys just don’t finish them off. This is a war after all.

Exposition is kept to the bare minimum to move the plot to yet another exotic location and when someone like Ahsoka attempts to try her hand at psychoanalysis she’s quickly blown off by a steely glance from Anakin that shuts her up. Seriously, this is a strong-willed girl who keeps telling her master off at every turn only to back off when he basically tells her to mind her own business? If she’s so concerned about the state of her master’s psyche I hope she has the smarts to ask someone during the TV show.

Most of the major prequel characters show up at sometime during the film but it mainly focuses on Anakin, Ahsoka and Obi-wan. Padme, Yoda, Mace Windu and the rest barely even register instead replaced by some truly off-kilter new characters such as Jabba’s uncle, Ziro the Hutt, who, for some inexplicable reason can speak accented English like a cross between Liberace and Michael Jackson. It’s completely jarring to say the least watching a giant slug animated with incredibly effeminate motion. One of the film’s unexpected advantages is that it tries to humanize the clone troopers which actually is a great addition as it makes you realize that beneath their same appearances lie unique individuals. This is a heartening surprise as these clones were nothing more than tools in the prequel films.

None of the major characters are voiced by their famous actors and actresses except for Mace Windu although poor Samuel L. Jackson has about five lines. Those waiting for him to say expletives are going to be waiting till the end of time. Although the replacements all attempt to mimic the original cast it also straitjackets them in their delivery as they struggle to “stay in character”. The new individuals such as Ahsoka fare much better as they have the ability to truly create their characters from scratch.

Finally there’s the actual look and feel of the animation itself. The Clone Wars is a sequel to Genndy Tartakovsky’s Clone Wars cartoon shorts released between the prequel movies and as such keeps the chiselled art style intact. What works for traditional 2D animation does not translate too well into the 3rd dimension. In still shots they look like mere 3D extensions of the 2D art but when they move it’s like watching robots stiffly yank and jerk spastically over the screen. Each model seems to be made up of the most basic number of joints which is probably why the action runs at such a fast pace in order to cover up the wooden movements. Wooden is actually the perfect adjective here as facial features are sculpted into static blocks, the only thing moving being the eyes as even the mouths appear like Pinocchio puppet jaws. It makes for an incredibly spiritless, sterile feel that further distances the audience from having any emotional attachment to these characters.

Instead of going all out with state of the art 3D techniques ala something from Pixar, this approach is incredibly low key as befits its intended TV medium. This makes one wonder just how far along in the series’ production schedule did the decision come down to change the first few episodes into a feature film. Regardless, The Clone Wars does not function as a full fledged cinematic experience. It would have gotten a far better reaction in its home TV medium. Even then, adult fanboys who loved the original prequel are going to be further removed from this new material as it doesn’t expand much beyond pretty lightsaber fights and action set pieces. Even the central questions regarding Anakin are barely touched upon, not surprising since we got the Cliff’s notes version in Revenge of the Sith anyhow.

I have indeed seen most of the first ten episodes of the TV show and while there were some competent and engaging yarns they nearly all focused on the new or previously ignored characters. Maybe this is a good sign for Lucas and company to spend more time expanding the Star Wars universe instead of treading water on characters we know too well. Unfortunately, none of that helps this clone wars movie which is both pedestrian in size and scope. If you really must see more Star Wars then I suggest you instead play, Star Wars The Force Unleashed video game that attempts and achieves a much better transition narrative between Revenge of the Sith and A New Hope. After this movie the Star Wars movie franchise is on life support hacking and wheezing like General Grievious in the last prequel.

*1/2 out of ****

2008, USA, 98 Minutes, PG, Warner Brothers/Lucasfilm Animation
Directed by Dave Filoni
Screenplay Henry Gilroy, Steven Melching, Scott Murphy
Produced by George Lucas, Catherine Winder
Original Music by Kevin Kiner
Film Editing by Jason Tucker

Anakin Skywalker (voice): Matt Lanter
Ahsoka Tano (voice): Ashley Eckstein
Obi-Wan Kenobi / 4-A7 / Medical Droid (voice): James Arnold Taylor
Clone Troopers / Captain Rex / Cody (voice): Dee Bradley Baker
Yoda / Narrator / Admiral Yularen (voice): Tom Kane
Asajj Ventress / Tee-C-Seventy (voice): Nika Futterman
Chancellor Palpatine / Darth Sidious (voice): Ian Abercrombie
General Loathsom / Ziro the Hutt / Kronos-327 (voice): Corey Burton
Padmé Amidala (voice): Catherine Taber
Battle Droids (voice): Matthew Wood
Jabba the Hutt (voice): Kevin Michael Richardson
Rotta the Huttlet (voice): David Acord
Mace Windu (voice): Samuel L. Jackson